Chapter Text
“What are they doing?”
“What?”
“I said, what are they doing now?”
Callie groaned from under her Mark V helmet, looking over from the rock she was leaning against at her two squadmates bickering. She had been stationed at Blood Gulch for quite a few years by this point, and had already gotten sick of both of them. She glanced between the jackass in Cobalt wielding a sniper rifle, and her idiot brother in...Teal? Aqua? Seafoam? ‘Oh who the f*ck cares.’ She thought, rolling her eyes. ‘Green looks so much better anyway.’
“God DAMMIT! I am getting so sick of answering that question-!” The Cobalt one, Leonard Church, declared in anger.
Her brother, Lavernius Tucker, retorted quickly and in his usual fashion. “Hey you’re the one with the f*cking rifle, I can’t see sh*t. I’m not just gonna stay up here and play with my dick, especially with my sister around!”
“Look, they’re just standing there, talking.” Chruch growled. “That’s what they were doing last week, that’s what they were doing five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me ‘what are they doing now.’ MY answer’s gonna be ‘they’re still just standing there, and they’re still just talking.”
Tucker sat silently while Callie began to fall asleep in her forest green armor. “What are they talking about?”
“Jesus f*ck- Callie, please back me up here.” Church pleaded, jolting Callie awake.
“Oh uh, yeah it’s f*ckin’ hot out.” She said quickly. “What were we talking about?”
Church simply stared at her in disbelief. “You know what? I f*cking hate you both…”
“Feeling’s mutual, asshole.” Callie replied, smirking a little. She admittedly enjoyed riling the two up. “Hey, shouldn’t you be watching those idiots?”
Callie was a soldier in the Blue Army, part of a rather strange, and admittedly pointless, war. They were locked in combat with their mortal enemies, known as the Reds... and that was about it. Two squads, both operating in a godforsaken box canyon, in the middle of piss-ass nowhere, with the only difference between the two factions being their god damned armour colour... whoop-dee-f*ckin’-doo. She could probably make a joke about it being a paint based race war, but she had neither the want or energy to go down that rabbit hole, having to deal with the world’s most colossal asshole, and her idiot horndog brother.
Though admittedly, getting on his case for being sex-obsessed was pretty hypocritcal.
She began to fiddle with her Standard issue pistol as Church mumbled something about ‘f*cking sh*tskulls’ under his breath and returned to his spying on the Reds across the canyon. “So, were you actually not paying attention or…?” Tucker asked her curiously.
“Dude, this armor is hot as f*ck.” She replied, annoyed. “I’m pent up beyond belief. Seriously, I am in a box canyon, as the only girl, surrounded by guys on all sides! And I have no desire to f*ck any of them.” She complained. “Which, given my world record, is a statistical improbability.” She then pointed accusingly at Tucker. “And don’t even get me started on your Rock!”
“Seriously, both of you. Shut the f*ck up!” Church replied through gritted teeth.
“Hey, it’s a family argument, dick.” Callie replied. “We can’t do much else up here.”
“Hey, what is that thing?” Tucker suddenly asked.
Church double checked and then lowered his rifle. “I don't know, man. Looks like uh.. looks like they've got some sorta car down there.” He noted. Callie raised an eyebrow and tried toi sneak a glance over the ledge. “We'd better get back to base and report it.”
Tucker looked between Church and Callie. “A car? How come they get a car?!”
“What are you complaining about, man? We're about to get a tank in the very next drop.” Church pointed out, causing Callie to nod.
“You can't pick up chicks in a tank.” Tucker whined.
Callie found she couldn’t resist an opportunity to mess with him. “You can pick me up~” She teased.
“Ew, f*ck no!” Tucker replied quickly. “Don’t even joke about that Callie!”
“Well I wouldn’t worry about it.” Church quickly added, shuddering at Callie’s joke. “How are you gonna pick up chicks in a car that looks like that?”
Callie walked over. “What kind of car is it anyway? Seems weird to bring a car to a battlefield.” She asked, peeking over Church’s shoulder.
Church tried to ignore her and looked through the scope of the sniper rifle. “I dunno, I've never seen a car like that before. It looks like a... uh... like a big cat of some kind.” He tried explaining.
“What, like a Puma?” Tucker asked.
“Yeah, that’s it.”
“A Puma? What about a Jaguar, or a Cheetah?” Callie added in.
“Nah it’s too short and stubby.” Church replied, shrugging. “Couple tow-hooks on the front.”
“Oh, like tusks. Like a Warthog!” Callie replied cheerfully.
Church slowly turned to look at her from where he was standing. “That….is a f*cking stupid name.”
Tucker chuckled. “Yeah, you get used to it.” He admitted. “She thought we should have named our 4 wheelers Mongooses growing up.”
“...Is it Mongooses, or Mongeese?” Callie absentmindedly asked.
“Oh for god’s sake, don’t f*cking start...”
-----------------------
Moments later, Callie, her brother and the Cobalt douchebag found themselves at their sh*tty little base, where a man in Regulation Blue armor was waiting with their brand new Scorpion tank. “So you’re the new guy?” She asked him.
“Yes ma’am.” He saluted. “Private Michael J. Caboose. Reporting for duty.”
“...Caboose.” She deadpanned. “Your name...is Caboose.” She shook her head silently, walking with the three guys towards the tank. “I really hope you’re not as green as you seem.”
“But...I’m Blue. You’re Green.” Caboose replied, sounding confused.
‘...Oh my god, he’s f*cking dumb…’ she inwardly groaned to herself, her brother and Church beginning to gaze in awe at their tank. Callie considered herself something of a weapon’s enthusiast...which is why the Blood Gulch deployment pissed her off so much. The equipment was only the bare minimum, and she knew there was so much more heat she wanted to pack while here. She was so busy drooling over their new delivery, she tuned out everything, except Caboose’s voice soon got her attention.
“-So I say to the guy, ‘How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?’ And he goes, ‘I'll just put it on the ship,’ and I go, ‘If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?’” He rambled, telling what he clearly thought was an interesting story.
“Hey, Kid?” Tucker began, turning to face Caboose.
“Yeah?”
“You’re Ruining the moment. Shut up.” Tucker scolded.
“Don’t you f*cking dare ruin this for me, Caboose.” Callie warned, glaring at him through her visor.
“Oh uh...right. Sorry.” Caboose replied, stepping back and quieting down.
Church then finally spoke up, his voice in awe. “You know what. I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.”
“Oh this is just, awesome.” Callie added, her grin growing wider. “I wanna just mount that cannon and stroke it like the pretty thing it is.”
“Callie, can you please stop making things creepy.” Church groaned.
“What’s the matter Church? Feeling insecure about your….Rifle?” She cackled, nudging Church with her elbow.
“Sis, you creep me out sometimes. But you’ve got a point.” Tucker stated. “Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.”
“Tucker, man what are you gonna do with two or three chicks?” Church asked, annoyed.
“Chicks are like-”
“If you make that comparison again, I am gonna show you exactly what I’ll shove into your ‘Connection Port.’ Got it?” Callie quickly scolded, prompting a nervous chuckle from Tucker. “Seriously. Do not make me hate that classic.”
“Weeb.”
“Asshole.”
“You both suck.” Church deadpanned. “Besides, when have either of you ever actually slept with someone.”
“Oh I’ve gotten laid plenty of times.” Tucker boasted, smugly.
“Bro, we both know I’ve got a much better track record than you.” Callie retorted. “Seriously, Church. I am not kidding when I say World Record.”
“Ugh, one Tucker was bad enough. Now I’ve got two.” Church groaned. “Is that why Flowers was so friendly with you? Did you f*ck him too?”
“Of course not!” Callie replied, aghast. “I had respect for him. I wasn’t gonna hit on him unless he hit on me. Besides, we were friendly before Blood Gulch.”
“You know, you’ve never told me where you disappeared to before you got deployed.” Tucker admitted, looking right at her.
“That’s because it’s none of your f*cking business.” Callie replied sternly. “I was doing some other work, alright? Besides, I had faith you’d be okay…”
Church could read the tension in the room and quickly decided to change the subject. “Yeah I'll let you in on a little secret, I've uh... I've actually got a girl back home.” He told them, drawing the three blue soldiers’ attentions.
“Oh yeah?” Tucker asked. “Girlfriend or wife?”
“No, man, she's just my girlfriend, ya know? We were gonna get married, but I got shipped out…” Church began to slowly drone off, before he shrugged. “Ah, you know how it works.”
“Yeah I’ve sometimes thought about marriage myself.” Callie replied. “Never did find someone I’d be good just, settling down with.”
“What about you, Church?” Tucker asked. “You gonna marry her when you get back.”
“I'm not gonna get married.” Caboose suddenly said. “My dad always said, ‘Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’”
“Did….did you just-” Callie said, stunned at the implications.
“Hey, rookie..” Church said, with an eerie calm to his voice, stepping forward. “Did you just call my girlfriend a cow?”
“No, I think he called her a slu*t!” Tucker replied, equally shocked.
“Besides, Caboose. No self respecting woman would just give it away for free!” Callie added. Tucker slowly turned to stare at his sister for a moment. “Hey, I said Self-Respecting. I know what I am.”
Church was even more livid at this point. “I'll tell you what, noob, I could sit out here and listen to you insult my girlfriend all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do.” He told Caboose, giving Tucker and Callie a look that both realized meant ‘I am going to haze the hell out of this kid.’
“Great.” Caboose said, cheerily oblivious to Church’s tone.
“See, we've got this General.” Church began
Tucker backed him up. “Right, the General guy.”
“Super important dude.” Callie added, barely holding back laughter.
Church then continued. “...who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases.” Callie grinned when she realized where Church was gonna go with this. “So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention, just in case he decides to come by.”
“When is he coming by?” Caboose asked, tilting his head like a confused puppy.
“Oh that’s the fun part, We never know.” Callie pointed out.
“Could be today, could be a week from now.” Tucker added.
“You want me to stand at attention for a week?” Caboose asked, getting a little nervous.
“You know, you don't sound very grateful. This is the most important job at the whole base.” Church lied. “You're gonna be right there with the flag.”
“What's so important about the flag?”
Church floundered a bit, but kept going. “Oh, come on, don't they teach you guys anything in training?”
“They didn't tell us anything about a flag. Why is it so important?” Caboose asked again.
Church at this point was scrambling for an excuse. “Because it's the flag, man, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's... Tucker, you tell him why the flag is so important.”
“Well... it's... it's complicated.” tucker replied, prompting his sister to make an annoyed face palm. “Uh... It's blue, we're blue.”
“Because of the other army steals our flag, it means we lose Blood Gulch, and our base.” Callie butted in, having enough of the idiocy. “That’s their goal, and our goal is to steal their flag. Got it, moron?!”
“Right.” Church responded, thankful she spoke up. “So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag.” Callie and Tucker both acted like they were agreeing with him. “So just go in there, you know, far away from us, and wait for him.”
Caboose turned around to return to the base, much to Callie’s relief. But he then stopped half way and turned around. “Uh, how will I know when I see him?”
“There's only four of us out here, rookie. He's gonna be the guy that doesn't look like one of us.” Tucker shouted back.
“Now get in there, and don't come out!” Church shouted after, and only turned to the Tucker Siblings when Caboose disappeared in the base. “Man, that guy is dumber than you two are.”
“You mean he's dumber than you are.” Tucker replied.
“Jesus, if you think that’s a good comeback, you’re a f*cking idiot.” Callie groaned, whacking tucker on the back of his Helmet. “At least now we’ve got some f*cking silence from that-”
“Uh, Mr. Church? Sir?” Caboose suddenly shouted back from the base.
Church sounded absolutely fed up, and Callie could just hear his eye twitch as he replied. “Oh my god, WHAT!?”He turned to the two of them. “Callie, Tucker, I swear, I'm gonna kill him!”
“Look, Church, he’s just a bit confused-” Callie tried to argue… and then Caboose opened his mouth again.
“Sorry about calling your girl a slu*t…”
That finally set Church off like a bomb. “ROOKIE! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY, GET IN THERE!” Callie heard Tucker starting to laugh, and tried her best to not burst out laughing herself. As much as Church was an ass, she admitted it was hilarious seeing him angry. When he turned around to confront the two, Tucker and Callie wisely looked away. “Tucker, are you laughing at me?”
“Excuse me, sir, can I ask you a question?” Another voice asked from behind them. While Callie didn’t recognize the voice, Church seemed to believe it was Caboose again.
“Dear God in Heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I.. I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!” Church replied, genuinely fed up.
“What did I do?”
“One…” Church began to count.
“Aw, gimme a break.”
“TWO!”
“Fine!” The sound of footsteps proved that the voice had gone inside. Callie was relieved that things finally seemed somewhat quiet and turned back to the Tank.
After a few more moments of staring at the Tank, Church spoke back up. “Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this bad boy out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Tucker.”
“Me? I can't drive that thing.” Tucker admitted, and Callie’s eyes grew wide.
“You're telling me you're not Armor Certified?” Church asked.
“I don't even know how to use the f*cking sniper rifle.” Tucker replied. “Don't you know how to drive that?”
“No!” Church replied, turning to Callie. “You drive it!”
“Actually the military banned me from driving armor. Ever since the incident in the Vegas Quadrant…” Callie admitted sheepishly.
“Wait, what incident in the Vegas Quadrant?” Tucker asked her.
Callie in a very practiced voice responded. "I am not at liberty to discus what happened in the Vegas Quadrant. Such information shall not be permitted nor explained at this time..” Tucker stared at her for a moment. “Let’s just say copious amounts of alcohol were involved and leave it there”
Church’s fuse finally broke again. “Holy Crap! Who is running this army!?”
Caboose then decided to poke back out of the base and call out to the group. “Hey! Just wanted to let you know the General stopped by and picked up the flag!”
“Yeah! Okay! Whatever, moron!” Church replied, barely paying attention to Caboose.
“Why would they give us a tank, if nobody here is able to to drive the damn thing?”
Callie glanced over at Caboose as Church ranted. “Did he say something about the flag?” Everyone exchanged a look, and it finally dawned on them. “Oh f*ckberries...”
