Day one was probably the worst one of them all, if Kirishima was being honest. But maybe that was just because in the beginning he'd still hadsomesemblance of hope that this whole thing wouldn't be all that bad.
What a foolish, stupid child he'd been back then, to ever think anything Katsuki involved him in could be anything but pure psychological torture, destined to forever change him as a person.
"Bakubro, there's nowaythis is necessary." He pleaded, looking at the whiteboard heading up the large oval table he'd been told to sit at. Katsuki raised a single eyebrow before locking the door to the league conference room they had occupied, trapping them inside together.
Kirishima didn't even know the leaguehadconference rooms. What the f*ck did they need conference rooms for?
The whiteboard, to Kirishima's dismay, had been written on in Katsuki's (admittedly impressive) cursive handwriting, reading out to him the itinerary that he was sure Kakugou would force upon him for the rest of the afternoon.
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right
-establish credibility
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t
-being scared
-mind paths
-exaggerate EVERYTHING
-learning how to roll dice
-back alleys
It was truly an eye opening display of information. The fact that Katsuki looked at that list and apparently understood wisdom from within it justprovedto Kirishima that his best friend's brain must work on amuchdifferent level than everybody else's.
"Alright," Katsuki clapped his hands, moving over to stand next to the board and looking across at him with a malicious glint in his eye. "First things first, learn how to sound right."
Kirishima grumbled, "There's nothing wrong with the way Isound..."
"Wrong," Katsuki declared, refusing to elaborate at Kirishima's incredulous glance. "Madam President asked you to find out what my connection with Tomuratrulyis, and to report back to her immediately, as well as any other interesting information you can gather. If you call her up and tell her the sh*tIwant to spin, withthatvoice and inability to lie? We'll be f*cked right out of the gate. Do you want to ruin my operation, sh*tty hair?Doyou?"
"Partially,yes!" Kirishima snapped. "At this point it would probably be apublic service."
"You're learning how to f*cking sound right, sh*tty hair, and that's the end of it." Katsuki said flatly. "You sound too stupid. Like a straight guy acting as a drag queen in a James Cameron movie when he clearly doesn't appreciate the culture well enough."
Kirishima stared at him, baffled. "What the goddamn f*ck does that evenmean?!"
"The fact that you don't know proves you need my guidance on this."
He threw his hands up in the air, feeling utterly violated and defeated as he slumped back into his seat.
"Point is, you always either sound too scared of everything, or over confident. You need to know your audience; learn to change your dialect and tone if you want to come off as earnest." Katsuki began. "Remember that time two months after we started at UA, when you tried to lie to Aizawa-sensei so you could get out of class early and go to a party?"
"...Yes."
"How'd that go for you?"
Kirishima glared at him. It was answer enough.
"Yeah, exactly." Katsuki said pointedly. "You called him 'brozawa' and he clocked youimmediately.You spent the entire duration of that party in detention, if I recall correctly."
"It's not like it's like thateverytime I lie..." Kirishima mumbled, although he could feel the tips of his ears turning red. His friend gave him an unimpressed look.
"Let me give you some tips, and then we'll practice."
He felt like this would be a long day.
"Hey- uh, Spinner?" He entered what Katsuki had referred to as the 'LOV common area' hesitantly, clenching his fists to keep from wringing his hands out of habit. The reptilian villain looked over from the couch casually, quirking an eyebrow at him as he lowered his newspaper.
"Oh, you're Bakugou's latest recruit, right?"
Kirishima hated that term with a passion, but in an effort of getting this whole thing over and done with, he powered through.
"Yeah." He swallowed, remembering the subtle tricks Katsuki had drilled into his head over the past hour or so, and he evened out his voice, tilting his head up to establish confidence. "Dabi sent me though, actually. You've been asked to- he said he wants you to- to go buy food for everybody. From that pizza place down the road. He'll pay you back with the league's account."
Spinner squinted at him for a moment, and he was careful not to break eye-contact.
"...You'relying,aren't you?"
"Jesus f*cking Christ sh*tty hair-!" Katsuki appeared behind him, and Kirishima spun around before slumping into himself, ashamed. "That's the sixth f*cking person that's called you out immediately;it's not that hard!"
"It's a stupid f*cking lie!" Kirishima yelled. "Why the f*ck would Dabi pay for the league's dinner?!"
"f*cks sake-" Katsuki dug his phone out his pocket, tapping around on it before lifting the device up as it rang on speaker. The person on the other end picked up, and Kirishima folded his arms in exasperation when he heard Toga's voice.
"Hey bestie!! Where you at?"
"Main living area," Katsuki drawled. "Calling for Dabi, I got him to agree to pay for everybody's food tonight, so if you go grab pizza from that decent place a couple blocks away then he'll transfer you the money. Can you play delivery girl?"
"The new boss really agreed to pay for that?"Toga asked, surprise colouring her tone, and Katsuki nodded his head, humming smugly while Kirishima's eye-lids dropped.
"Yeah bitch, I was surprised too."
"Awesome! I'll bring food back, k? And then after we eat, wanna play a game?"
"Actually," Katsuki said, "I got something else to do. Some new blood for you to try, and then you get to lie to the government while pretending to be a UA student. Sound like fun?"
Kirishima's eyes widened in alarm, and he shook his head frantically while Katsuki flipped him off, keeping his attention on the phone as Toga squealed in excitement.
"f*ck yes! I've been so bored lately, this is gonna be so cool!"
"You cannot letTogause her f*cking quirk to lie to the HPSC inplaceof me!" Kirishima hissed, once Katsuki had successfully hung up on the other blonde.
"Well I gaveyouthe chance to do it," He pointed out, hand on his hips, and Spinner could be heard behind them, snickering shamelessly as he watched. "But clearly you f*cking suck at lying, so until you get better,she'sdoing it instead."
"Nobody should be doing it point blank!" Kirishima wailed. Katsuki rolled his eyes, turning around and walking back out the room.
"That ship sailed f*ckingdecadesago, sh*tty hair. Come on, hurry up."
Spinner laughed at him as he followed in misery.
So maybe he wasn't overly proud of how he'd reacted when he found out the bullsh*t Katsuki wanted Toga to sayin his name,but he still maintains that having Dabi restrain him, while holding a gag to his mouth to stop him from making noise, istoo f*cking far.
"I swear, Bakugou, I will set fire to his f*cking hair if he doesn't stop squirming." The scarred up man hissed the fourth time that Kirishima managed to stomp on his toe while desperately trying to wrench himself out of his arms. He'd tried to use his quirk at first, until Dabi had put a palm of bright blue flames up in front of his nose and declared that if Kirishima usedhisquirk, then it was fair game forDabito, as well. That wasn't exactly something Kirishima was eager to experience any time soon.
"Just shut the f*ck up, she'll be done in a minute or two!" Katsuki whisper-yelled at them, while Toga, in Kirishima's body, twirled a knife around in one hand, a phone held up on speaker in the other as it rang.
"Hello?"
"Uhh, Madam President?" Katsuki gave Toga a thumbs up, clearly approving of the nervous act she put on while pretending to be him, something that made Kirishima glare over incredulously, letting out a few indignant'mmf, mm mmnf!'sfrom behind the gag.
"Ah, Eijiro! Nice to hear from you again so soon, is there anything I can help you with?"
"Actually, I was calling because you asked for-" Toga/Kirishima visibly hesitated, biting her lip for show. "You wanted to know more about Bakubro and Shigaraki, right?"
"Do you have anything to report on the subject?"Madam President audibly perked up, coming like a moth to the flame at the prospect of inside information.
"Well I was talking to him a few minutes ago and the whole brother thing was brought up, so I managed to ask a few questions without seeming suspicious," His replacement lied flawlessly, "I asked how he managed to get the test to say they were related. He said that he permanently altered his own DNA to match Shigaraki's."
"Interesting,"Katsuki grinned at the lie, shoulders shaking as he tried to stay silent due to the instant belief in the elder woman's tone."That's actually very helpful, Eijiro, I thank you for that. This means he has access to body modification processes, which is quite concerning. It's something we've theorised he's done before, that maybe he's mutated himself in some way to make people more susceptible to him. This could mean that theory is true."There was the sound of furious typing on the other side of the call, and Katsuki's knees bent as he sank downwards with the effort of keeping quiet, fist balled up at the front of his mouth."Do you think you can get more info on the body modification subject?"
"I-" Toga abruptly turned away for a second, swallowing a laugh before turning around and choking out a quick, "I'll do my best, Ma'am. Thank you."
"I thank you, Eijiro. This is most valuable."
The second the call ended, Toga returned to her own form, eagerly returning the high-five Katsuki initiated while Dabi finally let Kirishima free.
"This is-" He stuck his tongue out, making a face as he got the taste of the gag out of his mouth. "This issoridiculous. What are you even gaining from this? Are you trying to convince her you're a f*ckingtransformeror something?"
Katsuki paused, his face turning thoughtful. Kirishima froze, realising his mistake and pointing at him threateningly.
"Bakugou, please.No."
"It would be funny-"
"No!"
"Hey, Kiri!" Kaminari was the one to notice when Kirishima came strolling into the dorms only two minutes before curfew. Katsuki, because the curfews didn't apply to him evidently, had stayed behind to play monopoly with Toga and Twice, an endeavour that Kirishima was sure would end in at least one almost-fatal injury between the three. "Where've you been this afternoon? Been looking for you!"
Kirishima stopped, freezing like a deer in headlights as he visibly swallowed.
"I was...." He thought for a moment, before bringing himself up to his full height, looking his classmate in the eye as he claimed, "I was watching a movie with some old middle school friends who wanted to catch up. What were you looking for me for? Need anything?"
Kaminari shrugged. "Oh, that's cool, I was just wondering if you wanted to play some video games with me; just a bit bored."
Kirishima beamed proudly, only just managing to catch himself before he fist-bumped the air. He'd bought it! See, hetotallycould f*cking lie.
"Sounds good, bro! Just gimmie a few minutes and I'll be right with you!"
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right✔
-establish credibility
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t
-being scared
-mind paths
-exaggerate EVERYTHING
-learning how to roll dice
-back alleys
It was four days in, that Kirishima really feared for his life.
"Are you sh*tting me? Dabi will hunt me down andkill. Me.I can't do that."
"Dabi will do f*ck all," Katsuki assured. "He's aware of the plan, and healsothinks it would be very funny."
"What," He blanched. "Giving himself up to the f*cking Heroes?! You seriously want me to leak his personal goddamn apartment address to the HPSC, and then just stand back and watch as they go and take him down?"
"Hey," Katsuki shrugged, casual as he continued in his task of braiding Eri's hair. She sat patiently in front of him as he sat on the probation dorm couch, hairbrush next to him and hair tie between his teeth. "If you don't wanna make the call that's fine, I can get Toga to do it-"
"Stopletting her morph into my f*cking body!" Kirishima yelled, right as Izuku wandered in the front door.
"Kacchan," He admonished, walking over to the kitchen island to dump some files onto the marble. Whatever was in them, Kirishima had no clue, and he also didn'twantto know. "It'smeanto threaten people with body stealing!"
"I didn't threaten jack sh*t," Katsuki called over his shoulder, finishing the first braid and moving onto the second. "And it's not on the contract, so f*ck off."
"What contract...?" Kirishima muttered, mystified as he tipped his head back to stare at the ceiling. He did not get an answer.
"Just lead the HPSC to Dabi's door, alright sh*tty hair? It needs to happen, and Dabi won't get mad at you, promise."
Izuku paused, turning around with a slightly more interested look on his face. "...You're going to leak Dabi's address...? So he's gonna get caught and anyone can- anyone can... film it?"
Kirishima let his head fall back down, looking at Izuku with a morose face as he observed evenly, "You people terrify me."
"I can't believe this, I can't believe this, I can't believe this, I can't believe this-"
"You know," Toga whispered conspiratorially into Twice's ear, "I don't think the redhead can believe it."
"I'm going to kill myself." Kirishima decided.
"If you do," Katsuki called from over by the league's large TV, displaying the live footage results of Kirishima's latest call to Madam President. "I'll just bring you back to life and then start crying."
He squinted. "It's impossible to bring somebody back to life."
Katsuki turned around to give him a smug look, arms crossed over each other and the TV remote pressed against his chin. "Do you really want to bet that Ican't?"
Kirishima stared him down for a few minutes before making the pointed decision to not respond, instead turning to watch the aerial footage still being displayed on the TV that he, Katsuki, and the main upper circle of the league were standing around.
"-And if you're just joining us we are once again showing you all what seems to be the aftermath of a planned attack pulled off by the Heroes,"The reporter was speaking over the footage, showing a burning street area where Dabi was standing in the middle, hands smoking while Hawks, Miruko, and Gang Orca were stood around him in defensive positions."According to our sources, upon finding out the location of Dabi, our number two, five, and twelve Heroes were sent on a surprise pincer movement in order to take him down."
"I just don't get why they would send a Hero whose weakness isstrong heatto go fightDabi,"Spinner pointed out, clearly confused. Kirishima shook his head in disappointment as Katsuki immediately started snickering.
"Bakugou made me tell the commission that Dabi was afraid of whales." Kirishima divulged sadly, before turning to Katsuki. "He's gonna kill you when he finds out about that by the way, bro."
Katsuki's shoulders shook silently.
Suddenly on the screen a green blur whirled into shot, knocking into Dabi and punching him into the wall of a nearby building with a powerful cry. The camera zoomed in slightly just asIzukucaught his breath, dressed in full Hero uniform and breathing heavily.
"I WILL TAKE DOWN THIS HORRIFIC VILLAIN, AND PUT A STOP TO HIS UGLY WAYS. FOR ALL MIGHT!"Somehow, his screams of justice could even be heard from the helicopter filming, perfectly capturing the purebullsh*tthe teen was spewing as he geared up to 'take down' his own business partner.
Mouth dropping open, Kirishima glanced at Katsuki only to see the blond lookjustas caught off guard as he was.
Katsuki turned around slowly to look at the members of the league, raising a single eyebrow at them.
"...Who told Deku when and where Dabi was going to be attacked?" He asked, calmly.
After a few seconds of silence, Toga shrugged innocently. "Yousaidthe new boss had to lose this fight, so he wasn't allowed to go full power. Deku wanted to fight him without getting the sh*t kicked out of him; who was I to take his dream away? He's socutewhen he pines for violence!"
After taking this in, Katsuki turned back to the TV, where the three Pro's were standing around awkwardly while Izuku and Dabi stared each other down, before Dabi turned to glare directly at the helicopter broadcasting the incidentjustas he was thrown into a lamppost by his ankle.
It was truly a theatrical sight. Miruko held a clenched fist up to her mouth in silent sympathy.
Katsuki hummed, watching rubble and dust fly across the screen.
"Kurogiri, do me a favour and get the league's healer on call. Dabi's gonna beat Deku half to death after he escapes the commission's hold."
He got a phone call from Madam President about fifteen minutes after Dabi had,clearlyvery begrudgingly to the people who knew that it had been planned, been successfully arrested and taken into custody (He'd barely even reacted when the cuffs were slapped onto his wrists, instead staring across the street with beady eyes towards Izuku, silently promising murder while the greenette was given a hot drink and questioned by Hawks as towhat the f*ck the kid was doing here-).
"Heyyy!" It was impossible for him not to be nervous while picking up a phone call from a government official. Not when he was taking the call while inside a bathroom at the League of Villains (Vigilantes? That's what he kept hearing the others call it now, but he refused to ask for clarification.), wearing a lanyard with a laminated card at the bottom that declared him to be 'VISITOR OF BAKUGOU-NO KILL'. "I saw on the news you got Dabi, congratulations?"
"Yes, I was just calling to thank you again for all your help, Eijiro."It really freaked him out that she used his first name. He felt like he was about to be called out for lying to his mother about whether or not he'd gotten his grades up. He left the bathroom and held the phone to his ear as he tried to find his way back to the room where Katsuki had been."Having somebody on the inside that we can trust is very valuable to us, and we hope we can benefit you in the same way. I've just had a small gift wired to your account; I hope you're proud of the lives you've managed to save by helping get a villain like Dabi behind bars."
Yesterday Kirishima had watched Dabi decide to go to bed at six PM because he'd been so frustrated about dropping his half eaten banana on the floor, but ok.
Finally finding Katsuki back in the common room, his hand flat on the coffee table with Toga while they took turns stabbing the wood in between their fingers, Kirishima entered and silently waved the phone around to get the blond's attention, making an anxious face so that they'd get the message about who he was calling. Perking up, Katsuki grinned at him.
"That them?" A frantic nod. "Cool."
A beat of silence.
...Was thatit?!
Kirishima hoped he was making his incredulouslyveryclear through his terrified facial expressions and frantic waving towards the phone in his hand. Toga snickered at him before passing the knife back to Katsuki.
"Hang up?" Spinner offered, suddenly appearing next to him, and Kirishima flinched away in surprise before hurrying to stand as close to Katsuki as possible, ending up perched on the arm of the couch the blond was sitting on. It was hardnotto be unnerved while constantly surrounded by villains with kill counts, even if he was learning more and more each day just how incompetent those villains were at beingtrulyintimidating.
"Eijiro?"Clearly wondering about the silence, Madam President spoke again, and Kirishima jumped to attention.
"R-right! Sorry, I was just uh- reading about Dabi's capture. I'm happy to have been of service to my country!"
Immediately wincing, Kirishima couldfeelas Katsuki paused in his game, face slowly turning inch by inch to the side to stare judgmentally into the side of his head.
By the time he'd snatched the phone out of Kirishima's hand, Toga had already squirted a syringe of thick red blood into her mouth, transforming into Kirishima's twin before taking over the conversation.
Which-
"When the f*ck did she take more of my f*cking blood!?"He whisper-screeched, hugging his arms around himself in paranoia and hardening himself on instinct.
"I wouldn't worry about it, kid." Spinner materialised directly next to him again, startling him so badly he yelped and fell from the arm of the couch directly into Katsuki's side. "The league keeps rations of all our blood on hand, at the boss' orders. Since you're Bakugou's spy for a while, you've got temporary equal treatment to league workers."
In a crumpled mess almost half wrapped around Katsuki's lounged form for safety, Kirishima whimpered.
"How did you get it without menoticing...."
Nobody dignified him with a response.
"I feel kinda bad..." Kirishima mumbled into his hand, his face drooping into his palm as he let his elbow rest on the arm of the league couch. "She kept going on about how great it was that she had somebody on the inside that she couldtrust,and how much they appreciated myhelp...and I'm just lying abouteverything."
It was concerning to him, just how quickly it had become normal for Katsuki to drag him to the League of Villain's base; how normal it was to wear that stupid visitors badge (and how f*cked was that? That his so called 'best friend' was putting him in an environment where he had to wear a lanyard in case somebody he passed in the hall recognised him as a Heroic's student and tried tosilencehim before he could mess up their operation.), and how quickly the main circle of the league themselves had apparently decided to take it in their stride that yet another Hero kid was just. In their midst. Almost every day after classes let out. As if that wasn't a massive breach of security.
Compress, Spinner, Twice, and Toga had all taken to calling him the 'Temp'.
"sh*t, Temp." See? Ridiculous. Compress laid across the armchair across from him, a book in hand that looked suspiciously like a child's guide to50 cool and mysterious magic tricks!while Katsuki went through some Yakuza files on the floor. "That's classic manipulation, and she's got you feelingbadfor them? Hero society is doomed and we don't even have todoanything."
"Magic Mike's got a point," Katsuki hummed, using a highlighter to circle some names on a list before scribbling some notes on the bottom of the page. "That's literally thereasonwe gave Dabi up; don't go all empathetic for the capitalists on menow,sh*tty hair."
"Whatreason?"Kirishima scoffed.
"Establishing credibility. If we kept just giving them stupid stories they'd eventually wizen up. I have to give them something substantial to keep this going for another week or so."
"How is it substantial when you said yourself Dabi's just going toescapetoday, less than twenty-four hours after he was caught. Isn't that just more suspicious?" He pointed out. Katsuki shook his head, snorting.
"All your info was true. If he escapes now, it's less on you for being a bad informant and more on their prisons for being sh*t."
"-And also he hasKurogirion call," Kirishima snapped sarcastically.
"Actually," Compress piped up, "Dabi's doing it by himself this time. Twice told him he was getting soft and too reliant on warp gates, so he punched him and said he'd escape alone."
Katsuki snorted again, the room settling back down into silence.
After a moment Kirishima narrowed his eyes. It wastoosilent.
Looking around the common area, he stiffened when he realised there were no other people present, before whipping round to frantically say to Katsuki; "Wait, Bakubro, you brought Eri with you today, right? She's wandered off somewhere- where'd she go?" The 'older brother' did not look overly concerned. "Seriously, man! She's only a kid, you can't keep bringing her around here- it's literally full of criminals!"
"Calm down," Katsuki rolled his eyes. "She's with Toga. Let them bond, 'kid needs a constant female figure in her life."
He was evenmoreconcerned now. "AndToga'sthe right woman to go with for that, is she?!"
"Who the f*ck else do you suggest?" Katsuki didn't look very impressed at the idea. "Midnight? f*ck off. One of the girls from our class? Not a chance. Thirteen? The kid's scared of astronauts. Miruko? That woman's too gullible, Eri would destroy her. Blondie's already gotten fond of her, plus I come here so often them hanging out is convenient and the other f*ckers are around to make sure she doesn'tstabthe kid or something.Everychild needs an insane aunt who's only 40% responsible about keeping you out of danger. Deku didn't have that- he only hadme.Look at how much of a bitchheturned out to be, because of that."
Horrified, Kirishima slowly collapsed against the back of the couch. "Oh my god, this poor child. Her upbringing- Ican't."
Katsuki made a weird face as he looked down at his paper, mouth opening and shutting as he silently mocked Kirishima's words.
Finally, after what felt like far too long, there were purposeful stomping sounds coming down the hall towards them. Dabi stormed through, heading for the door on the other side of the room.
"Where's Twice? f*cker owes me five thousand yen, I got out alone."
Compress looked up from his book, nodding to him as he passed. "What took you so long?"
"I was on a roll so I took a detour on the way back. Broke into Endeavor's agency, pissed on his desk."
Kirishima buried his face in his hands, mumbling prayers of forgiveness to any god out there for the horrible association he was around.
"And I have to do this for another week atleast?"He whispered, lifting his head to bear his emotions towards the psychopath on the floor.
"I have a point to prove."
Oh, god.
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right✔
-establish credibility✔
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t✔?
-being scared✔
-mind paths
-exaggerate EVERYTHING
-learning how to roll dice
-back alleys
"I still don't understand what half of this sh*tmeans,"Kirishima emphasised, gesturing to the scrap of paper that Katsuki had demanded he copy down the list from the whiteboard on to. The other boy hummed, slinging his bag into the corner as they walked into the probation dorms and crouching down slightly so that he could set Eri down from where she had been settled on his hip.
For the record, Kirishima had not wanted to come back to his best friend's weird crime-family's house after getting back from the LOV base. He had beenforced.
"Welcome home, brother." Tomura called out lazily, lounged across one of the couches with a hand-held console letting off some kind of mild game music into the air. Then, he spotted Kirishima. "...And Temp."
He gave up on ever getting that name to die.
"Will he be joining us for dinner?" Looking over, Kirishima saw All For One in the kitchen area, a strainer in hand as he ambled around the worktops. He paused for a moment when Eri ran up to him, holding out some drawings that her and Toga had apparently made together, and he bent down to pick her up, lifting her until she could sit on the counter and show them to him.
Following Katsuki's lead, Kirishima walked over to the kitchen island, hopping up onto one of the stools there. "Um, I don't think I'll be here for that long-"
"He says he doesn't understand any of the sh*t I listed on the 'lying to the government' list, he's gonna be here a f*cking while." Katsuki interrupted, turning to him. "Don't worry, Sensei's actually getting better at cooking; he can make a half-decent pasta dish now."
All For One honest to god beamed proudly at the admission, and noticing it, Katsuki's expression dropped into an unimpressed drawl.
"Don't look so pleased; you're over a hundred years old. This should not be a new f*cking development."
"Don't speak to your father that way," All For One warned, although it was weak and everybody heard it. Katsuki snickered, before gesturing for the scrap of paper in Kirishima's hand.
"I don't get it." He said. "This is all common sense. The f*ck don't you understand?"
"W-" Kirishima sighed. "Look at it! 'Mind paths'. What doesthatmean?"
Katsuki gave him a confused look, shrugging. "Mind paths. Exactly that. It's about learning to expand and keep track of them all."
"I don't know what a mind pathis!"
Katsuki scoffed. "f*ck, sh*tty hair. You really don't knowanything.It's the pathways in your mind that connect information, the ones that spiderweb whenever you come up with a new lie or scheme. You have to keep track of who'srelevantto what paths, who has to be cutoutof which paths, which pathways lead to what risks and rewards. You have to constantly remember all aspects of the mind paths in your head, otherwise you'll say something in front of the wrong person, trip yourself up and get caught, andthenyou're f*cked."
Kirishima stared at him.
He stared some more.
"That's not a f*ckingthing!"He exclaimed. "That's not how people's mindswork-holysh*tBakubro, is that really howyourmind works?"
"That's howeverybody'smind works!" Calling out from the couch, Tomura gave him a baffled look. "Right? Mind spiderwebs arenormal."
So desperate for help that he turned toAll For Onefor backup, Kirishima got to watch the incredulous squint that the former villain was giving his two adopted sons, before he shook his head in a resigned fashion.
"So this is what I gave the League of Villains up for," He mumbled, turning back to the pot on the stove. "To start a League ofAutistic Children."
Deciding that was good enough, Kirishima gestured out with his arm to the older man's back, staring at Katsuki pointedly.
"Well maybeyoudumb f*cks don't have mind paths, but that's how intelligent people get away with sh*t. May I remind you I am the reason that all of you are here in this building right now- I'm the reason the building even f*ckingexists."
"Right," Kirishima scoffed. "Fine, ok, whatmind pathsare relevant to all of this?"
Katsuki leaned forward to put his elbow on the table, resting his cheek in his palm as he thought.
"Well, for starters this involves the league, so gotta think about all the league-relevant paths. Deku's the co-owner, so he can know about it. 1-A know I have dealings with the league, but not thatyoudo, so they have to be cut out. Aizawa-sensei knows Tomura used to run the league but not that either of us still have dealings with them, so he's out too. Of course, he also doesn't even know that me and Tomes aren't related biologically but the class does, so even then there's another line you have to watch- I can talk about family lies around the class but not Aizawa-sensei. Nedzu knows we lied on the DNA test but not how; he suspects we still f*ck with the league but there's no proof and we shouldn'tgivehim any. And then, there's the even deeper level ofDeku'sinvolvement with the LOV. Nobody knows he's co-running the league apart from the people in this room, Toga, Spinner, Twice, Dabi, Compress, and Kurogiri- and of course you have to remember that although Kurogiri is our main form of transport nobody knows that we still have contact with him. Nobody at UA can know we have access to Kurogiri, or that Sensei and Tomes have access to their quirks. And then Eri, Eri too, she's usually around and I have to take her with me to see the league a lot, so we have to make sure she shuts up about that. Not to mention nobody but me, Tomes, Kurogiri, Sensei, and Dabi know about her original quirk but being as the HPSC were looking into the Yakuza aswellthey might have records of a child with her quirk being used, so we also have to make sure they never realise that'sher.And then of course, we have to look at thegovernmentalpaths that become relevant. Not many thatyouguys have to worry about, since I'm the only one here with previous attachments to that stupid f*cking organisation, but being as this operation revolves around my public persona it does mean nothing can be used that contradicts it. sh*tty hair's reputation has to stay safe, so he can't be seen as a willing participant unless I pull him under my protection, and I also have to think about things that the HPSC know about me thathecan't know about, which means that nothing I do can be interpreted as relevant to those details in case the President decides to divulge private information. Deku also can't know about anything too illegal because he'll freak out, and Dabi's involved so I also have to think about protecting his identity until the right time. And then the other aspect is the legal aspect; does any of this breach Deku's contract? Is there any way this can bring some kind of practical use- like this could end up bringing some good blackmail material, do I need to use it now or should I save it? Are there any metaphorical back alleys I can use to widen some kind of loop hole to use in the future? Is there any future plan that I need to integrate into this plan to either get some pre-planning done or ensure I don't accidentally undercut something else I already have in the works, andalso-"
Kirishima had been listening to thismother of all rambleswith a face that gradually grew more slack-jawed as it went on. At the one minute mark he lost any comprehension he had about whatever the f*ck Katsuki was going on about, and around the two minute mark the blond seemed to forget that he was even talkingtoKirishima, instead talking to himself and looking up at the ceiling as if he were simply brainstorming out loud. Finally, Kirishima managed to cut Katsuki off, mumbling blindly as he put his head face-down onto the counter.
"Oh my god, you're f*cking insane," He said, muffled. "I'm following the orders of somebody who should beinstitutionalised."
"I was institutionalised once," Tomura mused loudly from the other end of the room. "Accidentally. Kurogiri wouldn't let Sensei leave me home alone until I was eighteen, after that."
"What does instatushion-lized mean?" Eri asked innocently, swinging her legs back and forth.
"Nothing you need to understand," All For One promised her, patting her on the head as he cooked next to her. "That's something only your brothers need to be worried about. You're better than that."
"Her hyper fixation ispigeons."Tomura declared dryly.
"Tomura, be quiet and lay the table."
He groaned loudly, before beginning to drag himself off the couch.
"Seriously man," Ignoring them and straightening to stare at Katsuki with wide eyes, Kirishima waved his hands about. "That's- that'sso muchinformation. How can you remember and apply that sh*t off the top of your head?! Do you really live like this all the time?!"
"Pretty much ever since I started having conscious thoughts, yeah."
"Are you notexhausted?"
Katsuki shrugged. "Not really. Gets boring when there's nothing to think about."
Kirishima stared at him. "Bro, no offence, but I don't think you're human."
All For One hummed, putting a spoon in the sink and mumbling quietly, "Ableist." And Tomura, who was now close by so he could grab silverware from one of the kitchen drawers, immediately turned to whack the older man with a dish cloth.
"We're NOT AUTISTIC!"He hissed. Eri let out bright peals of laughter, and Katsuki snorted before turning back to Kirishima.
"Ok, what else didn't you understand, you f*cking moron."
Kirishima paused, eyes flicking to the piece of paper and back to his friend. After hearing the absolute f*cking mess that'mind paths'had got him, there was nowayhe was going back for seconds.
He'd just figure out the other sh*t from context.
"Nothing." He said solemnly. "I understand everything you say with perfect clarity."
"You should get Toga to say that in your voice. She'd be more believable."
Kirishima glared at him.
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right✔
-establish credibility✔
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t✔?
-being scared✔
-mind paths✔
-exaggerate EVERYTHING
-learning how to roll dice
-back alleys✔
"Thank you so much for coming in today, Eijiro." Madam President gave him a warm smile when she met him in the lobby of the HPSC building, before gesturing for him to follow her down the hall.
"Uh, it's no problem ma'am," He offered, giving her a hesitant smile back. He honestly hadn't been sure about coming to see her in person, considering half his phone calls were still given to Toga lest he, in Katsuki's creative terms,'f*ck it up major',but Katsuki had assured him that he was ready. "Can I ask why I needed to come here, though? I've been getting the money that you send- thank you for that, by the way, it'sreallygenerous." Even with half of it immediately being sent to Katsuki, the amount of payment he'd been receiving had beenludicrous.
'Round face would sh*t herself if she saw that,'Katsuki had commented after the first wiring had come through. Kirishima had hit him.
"Oh it's no big deal, it's the least we can do after everything you've offered us, even if Dabi disappointingly managed to find a way out of his cell I'm sure that our knowledge of where he was must have unnerved him. Your last report was especially very helpful. Thanks to your assistance, we've managed to investigate and take hold of one of the league's old bases, and that's no small feat."
Kirishima winced as he followed her down the corridor. The 'base' had been an abandoned ramen place in the middle of some dinky town on the very edge of Musutafu that All For One had forgotten he evenowneduntil Tomura had found the deed while digging through boxes of old paperwork.
("If you're doing all these 'reparation meetings' then why don't they askyoufor all the league locations?" Kirishima asked, looking at the elder man sceptically.
"Because I'm old and senile," All For One responded tiredly. "My son took over the business a while ago and I have absolutely no clue what goes on inside it. I was just the poster villain."
Kirishima turned to Tomura, who was snacking on a bag of dried mango pieces noisily. "Don't you...alsogo to reparation meetings?"
"Yeah," He grabbed another handful, tossing it into his mouth. "But I'm not a snitch, and they got tired of me telling them to f*ck off so they stopped asking a while ago. I've killed less people, so I have to be less polite for the whole probation thing to work.")
The restaurant had in no way ever been a base of operations for the League of Villains. It was, however, far enough away toinconveniencethe HPSC if they tried to infiltrate it. Kirishima had been tasked with alerting the president that he'd overheard Katsuki talking on the phone about 'how long it would take to move all the league's confidential records out of the old information hub, and how long the paperwork would have to stay there before it could be shipped over to the new place.'. Kirishima had been told to say that he 'wasn't sure when the league was moving, but right now there were probably some super important boxes of stuff that had yet to be moved.'
The HPSC had elected that due to the nature of delicate confidential information being up for grabs they would do a quick pincer movement, silently go in and grab the stuff, then place stake outs all around to see if anybody would go back there.
The information they'd found had, of course, been a plethora of falsified information that Toga and Eri had spent an evening making up together. Kirishima had only glanced over at the papers a few times, but upon seeing a list of 'in-progress nomus' that had abilities such as the ability to mind control people specifically into acting like flamingo's, the ability to breathe out clouds of pollen (to be used against those with hay fever), and the ability to 'make things it touches into skittles like that one advert on TV', he had realised that it was fair to say the entire thing was bullsh*t.
Still, the HPSC had seemedveryproud of the find.
"Well, just doing what I can to help out," He shrugged weakly. "A league base had seemed like a really big deal, so I thought I'd keep an ear out."
That was the other thing Katsuki had said to him.'Doesn't matter how stupid and inconsequential something seems,'He'd drilled into Kirishima's head while tearing up a bag of bread for Eri to feed to the pigeons outside.'Always act like it's a massive f*cking deal to you. Exaggerate everything. Heroes, villains, quirks, mutants; nowadays people are f*cking brainwashed into acting like everything's the end of the world. People don't question cartoon logic any more, so if you want them to give you everything you want, you gotta use as much cartoon logic as possible. Over-do everything. Act like you're in the theatre. You ever see anybody say Deku overreacts when he cries at one of All Might's inspirational quotes? Nope. Because despite the fact that they're bullsh*t, that's what people eat the f*ck up. Exaggerate the importance of everything you say, and you're golden.'
'...So is that why you fake cry to ridiculous stuff?'Kirishima had asked, squinting. Katsuki had only shrugged.
'You can call it ridiculous all you want, sh*tty hair. You puss*es are the ones that started it by being ridiculous yourselves. I'm only bringing myself down to your level.'
It seemed hard to make a sh*tty broken down ramen place seem like a big deal, but apparently Katsuki was, as usual, bang on, and Madam President didn't even blink.
"And you're doing a great job!" She assured him. "The kind of information you're finding is just what we need to put a stop to the league's unlawful conduct. That's what's needed, now more than ever."
Kirishima's steps faltered slightly."Nowmore than ever? It seemed to me like things had been calming down a bit... right? Like, those guys have actually been saving people lately, haven't they? My mom got caught in a convenience store robbery that Spinner put a stop to last week. And more and more people are saying that the villains involved with the league seem to be turning intovigilantes;saving their lives and taking down other villain groups that threaten people's safety."
It was true, and this wasn't even information he'd gained from spending time around the league, it was just the latest gossip going around Musutafu. It was becoming more and more common for Twice to appear, using his copies to set free and rescue as many hostages as he could. Spinner was showing up to fight villains even quicker than the Pro's could show up, and more and more new vigilante's had made their appearances, jumping to people's aid with fighting styles that showed that they were associated with the league, trained by the main members. Even Dabi was finding time to go out in-between running the league, albeit specifically whenever Endeavor was patrolling so he could steal fights. The only one that hadn't been going out in public had been Toga, and to be fair Kirishima knew the reason for that one. You put that girl in a fight and you wouldnotbe able to guarantee she doesn't stab a civilian mid-battle-rush. She was not happy to be benched, but Dabi had been firm that for now, she stayed inside.
"Yes, it seems like it's all going great from the perspective of somebody without any context," Madam President said idly, coming to a stop in front of a pair of large double doors. "But it's dangerous for people to put their trust in these villainous types. It derails the entire system we have set up here, and ultimately thesevigilantesupsetting that society will only lead tomorecivilian deaths during an effort to regain control."
"...Their effort, or yours?" Kirishima had to ask, narrowing his eyes uncomfortably when instead of answering him she pushed forward to open the doors, allowing him in and showing him the large, modern gym laid out in front of them.
The room was breathtakingly modern, somehow looking even more high-tech than UA's training facilities. There was a large organised corner with just about every work-out machine he could imagine, and then even more that hedidn'trecognise. On the other end of the hall was a sparkling pool and what he could only guess was ajacuzziin the back. Doors were dotted around the wall, large signs labelling them as different types of combat training rooms with quirk enhanced artificial opponents and settings, and he could see different agents and even some recognisable Pro Heroes operating different seconds of the gym. He spotted Hawks up in the rafters at the far left, training with what looked like an incredibly advanced automatic holograph target system, swooping around in the air and aiming at things with his large feathery wings.
"Holy sh*t," He found himself mumbling, looking over the place in awe, justimaginingthe fun he could get up to in there.
"Yes, our training facilities are quite something, aren't they?" Madam President said smugly. "That's why I wanted you to come in today, Eijiro. This gym is only available to active HPSC members, and since you've really been a part of the team for almost two weeks now, I wanted to let you know personally of all the perks that place provides."
Kirishima nodded dumbly, already itching to throw his shirt off and get in one of those boxing rings, even if the president's words from before they entered were weirding him out with how untrustworthy they had sounded. His phone buzzed in his pocket.
Bakubro > Kirishima:
B:f*ckin bribery ass bullsh*t.
B:you want a work out? ill lock you in the maintenance cupboard with twice after he's woken up from his night terrors
K:STOP PUTTING LISTENING DEVICES ON ME
B:no
The worst moment of Kirishima's life had to have been running into his school Principal on the way out of the HPSC building. The building he was in because he was currently working with a villain group to lie to the government to get money.
"...Kirishima? What are you doing here?" Nedzu immediately stiffened, looking at him with suspicion before turning on the spot, looking all around the hallway they were currently in. "Where's Bakugou?"
"He's not here," Kirishima said slowly. "Why?"
"Well then why are you here?"
Slightly offended, Kirishima narrowed his eyes. "Whywouldn'tthe HPSC want to see me without Bakugou? I have a lot to offer!" Granted, what he'd had to offerwasKatsuki, but Nedzu wasn't allowed to know that so the point still stands. Nedzu looked at him, slightly confused.
"So then... whyareyou here? Is this something to do with why they wanted to see you a few weeks ago?"
Kirishima was suspiciously silent. It was odd, he thought he'd made good progress with phone lying and lying about something he'd already been thoroughly prepared to lie for, but now that somebody unexpected had shown up, he really hadno cluewhat to say.
"...Why... areyouhere...?" He tried.
Nedzu blinked. "I'm close with Madam President, I'm here to have some tea and catch up with her about the latest goings on at UA."
Kirishima nodded. That made sense.
Nedzu looked at him in expectation. "Kirishima?"
"Can I ask you a question?" He felt sweat condense on his forehead, so great was the need to distract and bolt from the conversation. Nedzu looked a little confused but nodded his consent, and so Kirishima thought back to the argument he'd heard Tomura have with Aizawa during class a few days before and said thefirstthing he could think of.
"If Aizawa-sensei used his quirk on you, would you still have the presence of mind to not want to eat your own faeces?"
There was silence.
Nedzu stared at him.
Kirishima stared back, terrified.
Nedzu opened his mouth slowly.
"Please... leave this building, Kirishima."
"...Yes sir."
Bakubro > Kirishima:
B:100/100
B:dabi wants to throw you a party
B:somehow both of twices personalities are laughing
B:spinner wants to frame your photo and put it on the wall
K:i f*cking PANICKED ok????
B:tomura is going to lose his sh*t when i send him the recording
K:please oh my god delete the f*cking recording bakubro i stg plaeasewd
K:ANDSTOP MAKING ME STAND AROUND ON THE STREET. IM OUT OF SIGHT OF THE BUILDING SEND KUROGIRI TO COME AND GET ME
B:yeah hold on we were listening while doing a heist hes kinda busy rn one sec
K:what f*cking heist?
B:do you want plausible deniability or do you want me to show you the statue I just stole from musutafu centre
K:I cannot wait for this to be over.
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right✔
-establish credibility✔
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t✔?
-being scared✔
-mind paths✔
-exaggerate EVERYTHING✔
-learning how to roll dice
-back alleys✔
"What.... the f*ck is going on here?"
Exactly two weeks and two days after Kirishima had been hired by the HPSC as an off-the-books spy, he'd been woken up at two AM by a barrage of texts from Katsuki, telling him to wake up because Kurogiri was about to send a warp gate into his dorm room.
Slightly pissed but mostly hesitant, he'd gone through the gate to find what must have been the abandoned truck stop-off and loading centre of the factory that the league resided in. It was gigantic, with massively high ceilings and large metal doors that had been opened to let the warm summer night air in, star and moonlight painting the floor.
There was also a heavily graffitied statue of All Might in the middle of it. As well as loud music playing. And a group of villains turned vigilantes that seemed to be having a party.
"Finally!" He turned around to see Katsuki, a plastic cup in hand as he grinned, running up to him. "Welcome to the 'mission success' party!"
Blinking, hope rose through his chest. "Success as in done? It's over? I can go home and forget this ever happened?!"
"Well, successtomorrow,"Katsuki amended. "Tomorrow you'll do a bomb threat and send all the Pro's into the mountains, but for tonight we f*ckin'party!"
"I'm sorry, I'm gonna do a f*ckingwhat-?"Kirishima paused, looking into the cup Katsuki was drinking out of. "Is... that... alcohol?"
"Well, yeah. Can't have a party without it."
"I've literally never seen you drink before."
"You've never let me have fun before."
Kirishima did a double-take. "I don't- you do whatever the f*ck youwant!"
"Eh," Katsuki waved him off, directing him over to a large plastic table where bottles upon bottles of spirits and beers were clustered. "I'm drunk, ignore me. I got you to come because this is the last night you'll be working with the league! I wanted you to have a chance to have some fun with them!"
"So you're gonna pull off a blackmail scheme against thegovernment,while hungover?" Kirishima checked, unable to believe what he was hearing. Although Katsuki didn't look completely plastered, he was clearly slightly tipsy, enough that he was smiling easier and speaking slightly louder. Looking around, Kirishima could see the rest of the main group clustered over by Toga, whodidseem completely plastered, and was throwing knives at the face on the giant stone statue. The others were either standing in a wide berth around the statue watching, or over with the rest of the league crowd jumping and dancing around. He managed to spotEriin the middle of that crowd, wearing a pair of blue dungarees and a white long sleeve top, on which was written in black marker'IF I'M LOST, RETURN ME TO BAKUGOU'while she jumped around the feet of Kurogiri, who while he didn't seem interested in dancing, was doing a decent job of standing guard over the small child surrounded by people with criminal records. "-What the f*ck is Eri doing here?! It's two in the f*cking morning, Bakugou!"
"Yeah, but Tomes f*cked up and accidentally let her have an energy drink a few hours ago, so we're letting her dance it off." Katsuki mumbled, waving in the direction where he could see Tomura and Dabi standing together with drinks in their hands, eagerly debating over something he couldn't hear. "And to answer your question, no, I'm not stupid enough to do it hungover. I'm just gonnakeepdrinking andstaydrunk until after I've dealt with the commission tomorrow."
"Oh my god," Kirishima groaned, even as a cup smelling of tequila was shoved into his hands. "We're gonna get f*cking arrested."
"C'mon, sh*tty hair!" Katsuki shushed him, throwing an arm around his shoulders eagerly. "Have you learned nothing from your time interning under me?"
"It's been more of a hostage situation than an internship-"
"It'sallabout rolling the dice," Katsuki spoke over him, and he sighed in resignation. "Yeah, the risks are raised if I go into conversation with the president while a little tipsy, but the reward of letting my drunk brain have full run of the commission building tomorrow? Able to do whatever I want? God that's f*cking worth it. You just have to be able to calculate the possible consequences of whatever you do, and then calculate that against the risk probability and the weight of the reward.Trust me!"
"Ok," Kirishima said pointedly, "So the risk here is that if you f*ck up with the HPSC tomorrow, you and your family go to jail. And the reward?"
Katsuki gave him a wide grin. "All that f*ckin' money you've been given!"
"And that'sit?"
"What can I say?" He threw Kirishima a wink, letting go of him to start walking backwards towards the group throwing knives at All Might's frozen face. "I like to gamble! Just one night, sh*tty hair. Forget about that ethical stick up your ass for one night and have fun with people that Iknowyou've started to like over these past two weeks. Come help me beat Toga at knife throwing, and then we're all doing shots!"
Kirishima bit his lip, looking down at the drink in his hands.
One night.
Thelastnight.
...Maybe if he got drunk enough he'd forget that this entire thing had evenhappened?
LYING TO THE GOVERNMENT 101
-listen to everything bakugou f*cking says, including but not limited to:
-learn how to sound right✔
-establish credibility✔
-not being f*ckING STUPID and letting me do my sh*t✔?
-being scared✔
-mind paths✔
-exaggerate EVERYTHING✔
-learning how to roll dice✔
-back alleys✔
So Kirishima was slightly hungover.
Slightly.
Enough that he'd been too tired and achy to do anything but watch and obey as Katsuki's final commission f*ck-over was put in place.
Enough that he only realised how f*cking dangerous this whole thing was when he and Katsuki were alone with the president of the HPSC in her office, while police cars swarmed the building outside and Katsuki sat on the office desk digging through files as if he was a kid looking through a Christmas catalogue.
And yes, he was still intoxicated.
"I would have understood, Kirishima," Madam President looked at him, eyes burning holes into his face, thinly veiled disappointment in her gaze as she sat at her desk. "If you had simply elected to stay out of Bakugou's relationship with the HPSC. There was no reason to resort to these actions."
So he guessed that they weren't on friendly enough terms for 'Eijiro' then. He probably wouldn't be able to use the gym now, either.
"I'm so sorry," Kirishima whispered. "Please don't kill my family like in those movies about corrupt governments."
"Ha!" Katsuki let out a bark of laughter from where he was sitting on the end of the desk, a bright look in his eye as he held back further giggles, the struggle just highlighting to Kirishima the effect of last night's shot competition, even if Madam President somehow didn't seem to notice. "He called you corrupt," Katsuki snickered, throwing a grin over at the woman.
Kirishima closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, counting to three.
It wasfine,he told himself. It was almost over. He just had to get through the next few minutes and he would never have to think about the League of Vigilante'sever again.
He didn't even know how he'd managed to get from where he'd been two weeks ago, to where he was now. Had he been brainwashed? Mind controlled?Puppeteered?He'd had Eri sitting on his shoulders so they could cheer on Katsuki while he danced to Shakira withDabi,for f*cks sake!
Nope. Breathe in. Don't think about it. It was the alcohol. It was thealcohol.Never again. Clearly, hehadbeen brainwashed in some way. His brain chemistry had been changed, forced to go along with it, and onlynowwas he finally freeing himself from the horrible pit of darkness that he'd been in for the past two weeks.
Yeah. Definitely. It was definitely that.
...
He wanted to go home.
